Dealing with emotions is difficult at any age. Some people hold them in and try to hide the fact that they are upset. Others “fly off the handle” by yelling when things go wrong. The holding-in approach might sound like a more desirable model for kids, but it is actually worse for them, and you, in the long run.

Many adults try to deny children’s feelings. Perhaps some parents/caregivers may think because they are “little,” they have “little” emotions that easily can be erased. This is not true at all. How many times have you heard an adult say, “you don’t mean that or you don’t feel that way…have a cookie and don’t cry…go play.” Although these responses may be well intended, they do not help the child deal with feelings very effectively. This only makes the child believe that feelings are wrong, thus adding guilt to the feelings that only add to negative behavior!

Adults never should feel they have failed a child who expresses negative emotions. Parents and teachers desire so desperately for the children in their care to be happy and carefree. When these negative feelings are verbalized parents/caregiver can sometimes experience a certain amount of guilt.

Important learning can result from facing negative feelings. A child who has never faced the negative cannot relate to others who may be experiencing a negative feeling. It is good for children to understand that negative feelings happen to everyone just as positive feelings do.

Parents and caregivers need to accept children’s emotions and seek a happy medium between extremes. Throwing a tantrum to express feelings isn’t acceptable or productive for anyone involved. (Unless parents permit it.) A child who holds emotions in can experience physical as well as further emotional problems. Teachers and parents who have this knowledge can help children with more acceptable ways to express their feelings.

For example, when a child says, “I hate you!” or “You’re not my friend anymore” the child is expressing anger and reacting to an event or situation that is not agreeable or pleasing to him. It may or may not be justified from your perspective, but the child is feeling negative emotions that need to be expressed.

Most preschool children don’t really even understand the definition of “hate” so we have to ask the question, where have they heard this? Now that they have expressed it, we must decide how to effectively deal with it. Young children usually lack the language skills to express true feelings so it becomes the role of adults to teach them and draw out the emotions the child is experiencing. In this case it is important for parents and teachers to continue the conversation with the child.

The response might be “it sounds like you are angry with me.” Another response might be “I can tell you are very disappointed.” Once you know what the child is upset about, it is easier to find more suitable words for expression. Let children know that it is much better to say why they are upset rather than saying they hate you.

Hate is a very strong word that should be unacceptable for young children to use. Parents and teachers can teach a child a more acceptable way to express negative feelings. We need to let them know that some words do not need to come out of the beautiful mouth that God gave to them. The same guidelines that are used for “curse” words should be used for “ugly” words such as hate, kill, beat, etc. in your home/school. At the same time, children should be allowed to express their feelings and there must be acceptable ways/words of doing so. It is up to parents and teachers to teach kids the “acceptance” within the “boundaries.”

Children learn ways of expressing themselves by the examples they see from the adults in their life. Often modeling the behavior they see at home or on the television, children absorb much more than we can possibly imagine. Have you ever given serious thought about what your child really hears and sees every day? What are they really taking in? Who are they learning from? Who are their role models?

Once you feel that you have helped the child get to the point of feeling better, reassure him that no matter how he feels you still love him no matter what.