Susan Maravetz

Change happens. It has taken me most of my thirty-something years to accept this simple fact that had I known earlier, could have saved me years of fear and frustration.

How we think, address and talk about change
is what produces an impact on our self-esteem.

When I was 27 I was let go from a sales position. I could give you all the reasons why this was unfair, undeserved and horrible. It was a serious blow to my self-esteem. I had a job the next week, one that I came to love, and I did really well in the new position. However, even while I was doing a job I loved and was good at, I was still the girl who had been rejected, and I believed I could lose my job again at any moment. I suffered from low self-esteem, doubted my own abilities and relied on other’s feedback to believe I was doing a good job.

Reflecting back, I can see how lucky I was to have left that toxic environment, and now I can see that nothing productive could come for me until I had been let go. My own resistance to change prevented me from seeking a better position, so, as I see it now, the Universe had to take change into its own hands. At that time and place, my self-esteem was very tied up in proving my value, never giving up and working really hard. Those values were not recognized or needed by the management, so my hunger for positive recognition to feed my self-esteem was not satisfied.

Any change that happens against our will has the ability
to impart a negative impact on our personal
view of ourselves, weakening our self-esteem.

Taking change personally is the culprit. Evaluating the impact of change in the moment or deciding it happened to you because of the quality of person you are, these are ways to continue to devalue your worth. Certainly having a relationship end against your desires, experiencing a serious illness, even having to change against your desires can cause you to question your own worth and value. This is how you find your self-esteem spiraling downward.

The dance between change and self-esteem is complicated. Without a solid foundation of self-esteem, it is hard to be strong enough to initiate change on your own. The ability to initiate change provides one with stronger self-esteem. This circular dance requires a leap of faith at some point. We need to reach some minimum level of self-esteem that will permit us to initiate change.

Once we have this store of self-esteem, and we initiate change,
our recognition that this change was a conscious decision
and brought about by our own choices becomes the fuel of further growth.

Caroline Myss, in Self-Esteem, Your Fundamental Power, describes true self-esteem as the power to be invisible. She explains this further as the ability to do what you do every day without expecting outside feedback and recognition. The knowing of what you are doing and why provides you all the energy and satisfaction you desire. Reversing this idea, outside feedback, whether positive or negative, should not be able to impact true invisibility and real self-esteem. It can be accepted and acted upon if you so choose, but it cannot determine your own self-worth.

What you say about change makes a difference. Even change that happens against your will can be embraced and recognized as a necessary step in your growth. A few years ago, I realized that my first experience with job loss prepared me for the recent dot com bust and when I lost a much more significant position due to the economy, I didn’t take it personally or let it impact how I saw myself. In fact, that change led to a more fulfilling career.

Myss often says that staying unconscious is much more fun. That becoming conscious is hard work. Rather than work, I like to think of it as a challenging dance, one that takes awhile to learn the steps, and even after you become proficient, you still have to pay attention to every beat. Deciding what will lead: change or self-esteem; is part of being conscious.

Living for yourself and letting go of the need for recognition
and feedback enhances the dance and guides you to true self-esteem.