Cari Willis

I Wanted to Talk to You First

Years ago I asked my grandmother, Mudge, what she missed most about not having my grandfather, Pudge, with her. She stated something so simple and yet so meaningful. She said, “I miss him wanting to tell me first.”

She went on to say, “No one thinks of me first. Your parents, when they have a joy or sorrow they share it with each other first. That is how I want it to be for their marriage, of course, but they don’t think of me first. I liked having someone who thought of me first.”

This summer I spent a good deal of time with one of my girlfriends who was nearing the end of her life. I asked Yukiko when she knew her husband, John, was the one for her. She said, “I realized it one night when we were separated. Something had happened at work, and I wanted to tell him first what had happened. I knew right then, that for the rest of my life, I would want to first share with John what was happening in my life.”

I have a prayer list that I pray over every day. On the list are many family and friends who have lost a loved one. There are mothers without daughters, husbands without wives, daughters without mothers, sons without mothers, sons without fathers, and daughters without fathers. No longer can they call their loved one first.

I think the moments where we realize that our loved one is no longer there to talk to are the most poignant in our lives. I can no longer go to my parent’s house and walk around through the living room to see my Mudge. I can’t call her and hear her laugh (even though I do a pretty mean impression of her). I can’t reach out to her and thank her for all she taught me in my life.

To those who have lost someone whom they wanted to call first, there is a void in their lives that I am not sure is ever filled. There are roles that will never be filled again as you only have one mother and one father. It would be interesting if all of us walked around with those holes visibly showing. But that isn’t how it is with grief.

People cannot see the holes in our hearts.

For those of us who believe in a Heaven, we believe that our loved ones are with the Father who always thinks of us first--the one who first formed us, the one who first shaped us in our mother’s womb, and the one who is always beside us and loving us. We believe this love connects us to those who have left us on earth. This love keeps us in communication with our loved ones until we see them again.

Who do you think of first? Do they know they are the first ones you think of as you arise in the morning? Do they know they are the last ones you think of as you lay your head down at night?

The “first” person is the most honored person in your life.
Do they know that place of honor?

Imagine what a wonderful place this would be if all of our “first” people knew how much we loved them. And imagine what a glorious place this would be if all of our “second” and “third” people felt as if they were the “first” people – even for a moment.