Vickie Carswell, Director North Haven Child Development Center

Communicating With Children

When we hear the word “communicate” most of us think of talking. But talking may in fact be one of the least important parts of communication.

Consider for a moment someone whom you consider to be a good communicator. What is it about that person that caused you to think of them? More than likely it was because they are a good listener.

Children also feel valued and important when you listen to them. When a child needs to be heard, it is important to give them eye-to-eye attention, listening to each word without interruption. At the same time, when children ask for help, they should be given the opportunity to work it out for themselves. Showing concern and support, and faith in their abilities will help them to learn to make appropriate decisions.

If children are physically fighting, the situation requires no real decision; immediate involvement to avoid physical harm is required. Personal involvement also is needed when children put themselves or others at risk or when their behavior requires a parent’s attendance at a school conference.

Sometimes children may hesitate to share their feelings and emotions. This can happen when the child may have tried in the past to talk to parents/caregivers and did not get a welcomed response. The child may not feel important to the adult in whom they’ve confided. For example, when a child is extremely proud of a picture she drew and attempts to show it to you and you just say, “oh that’s great,” but you never look away from whatever it is you are doing – her belief in her picture may be crushed.

Even though your words indicated approval, your actions did not. The old axiom of “actions speak louder than words” is true. And children are very aware of the true message you are sending. By not looking at the picture, your actions really convey that you are to busy to look at an unimportant picture. Your responses will determine whether the child will continue to have conversations with you or withdraw. There are a few things that might encourage your child to communicate:

1) Make a guess. When you see a smile or frown, or an angry expression, comment on it by saying, “You seem happy (or whatever the expression is) about something.”
2) Be a model. Do not expect a child to do all the sharing. Share your feelings about things that happen to you at work or wherever.
3) Ask for comments. Children like to be asked about their day, things that interest them or what they think about certain things. This encourages them to think through how they really feel about things.
4) Increase your communications. Everything you do will increase or decrease your level of communication with your child. How your child does or does not respond depends upon what message you are sending them.

There are a few ways you can begin a sentence to encourage conversation such as:
“When you…”
“I feel…”
“Because…”
“What do you think…”
“Next time would you…”

All children should be loved and listened to. Let’s be sure we are sending the “acceptance” message. Just because we accept and listen to children does not mean that we have to agree with them.

Vickie Carswell, Director North Haven Child Development Center Raleigh, North Carolina (919) 848-4834 Nhcvicki@aol.com	Feb 04 - On the Strong-Willed Child Mar 04 - Communicating With Children Apr 04 - Children Expressing Feelings May 04 - The Effects of Praising Children