AlexSandra Lett "Lett's Set a Spell"

Lessons from Loss

If I knew before what I know now, I would have done things differently ...

In the days since my Mama’s death I have thought a lot about life’s ironies. During the days when Mama’s illness was becoming worse, I had to travel with my work so I could contribute more financially to the cost of keeping her at home. I had to be away from Mama (Ruby K. Lett) to help take care of Mama. We family members agreed that Mama wouldn’t fare well in a nursing home, so we and caregivers responded to her every need.

On Sunday, May 29, my sister Carolyn fried chicken for dinner, and then Carolyn, Mama and I “set a spell” on the front porch of the farmhouse. Our cousin, Mary Alice Lett Crissman, stopped by and joined us. Mama was quiet but enjoyed hearing us laugh and talk.

The following week I planned to spend another Sunday with Mama. That morning, June 5, Mama collapsed and within minutes went to meet her maker. Family and friends gathered quickly. Caring folks brought fried chicken, but our family ate it without Mama.

Mama in "Ruby's Restaurant"

Now I live each day without Mama, and my whole world seems out of sync. After fulfilling obligations for book-signings, I am staying home for a while. I must allow time to grieve the absence of Mama, to allow my heart to heal, to learn lessons from my loss, and to create better relationships with others.

As I focus on writing a book about country foods and folklore, I will be guided by memories of Mama cooking up a storm in the kitchen others fondly called “Ruby’s Restaurant.” She loved puttin’ up vegetables and fruits so family and friends could relish the delights from her labor. As the blueberries on the farm ripen this year, I will recall the delight in my Daddy’s eyes when we ate the berries from the bushes and then prepared them for freezing. In the winter I will remember how Mama and Daddy picked out pecans day after day and packaged them in plastic bags to give away.

If I had understood before what I have recently learned about loss, I would have figured out a way to spend more time with Mama and Daddy during the past two years. I would have squared off face-to-face with Daddy more often, and talked so loud he would have heard every word I said, and I would have listened intently to his every sentence. More often I would have sat by Mama’s side and held her hand ... especially when she started sentences and couldn’t remember to finish them.

I am so grateful that I moved back close to my parents’ home, even if it was to watch them slowly fade away. I came full circle with Mama and Daddy, but every day I feel sadness for the hours I cannot relive. The biggest lessons I have learned from loss are to cherish each moment in life and to take time to “set a spell” more often with the ones we love.