Tobi Bowen

Tag – You’re It!
A Caregiving Lesson

As a child, one of my favorite games was “Tag.” Looking back and analyzing its parts, I realized what a wonderful life lesson the game teaches. Comparing it to the roles in caregiving can teach us so much and cause us to look deeply within our family and ourselves.

Think for a moment about the components in the game of tag. It has two basic parts - someone is IT (the Seeker) and everyone else hides (the Sought).

As the Seeker - you rely on your best instincts and hope that there’s an end in sight.

As the Sought - you hide and quietly wait, hoping not to be found.

When caregiving is needed in a family, one issue that seems to arise time and time again is sharing the responsibilities between adult siblings.

…and so begins the Family Game of Tag.

If your role in the family has always been that of the “Seeker,” you’re the first one to step up, take the bull by the horns and run, no matter what else you have on your plate. Hopefully each family has a seeker.

But- if your role in the family has always been that of the “Sought,” then you want to run from this situation at about 350 miles per hour and, just like in that game of tag, hope never to be found.

Many things affect the ability of the “Seeker” and the “Sought” to help in the caregiving process. Some of these can be:

Proximity: With so many people living in various places around the country, it’s quite possible that they simply can’t be there. Like in my family - I live in Raleigh, my sister New York, my brother New Orleans and our parents live in St. Louis.

Too Many Commitments: In a society where we barely have enough time for ourselves, it’s possible that your plate may already be full.

Denial: Often times, people just can’t cope with the reality that their parents are no longer vibrant and/or able to care for themselves.

Quarreling: If there is strife between the siblings, there may be a breakdown in communication that affects their ability to help in the caregiving process.

Difference of Opinions: Not everyone is going to agree about what’s right for Mom or Dad, but decisions do need to be made if everything hasn’t already been decided.

An Only Child: If there are no other siblings, or if there is a sibling whose ability to help is affected by a disability of some type, there is no sharing of responsibility at all.

The list could go on and on, but what needs to be foremost in your mind is that you need to concentrate on making good decisions. The family needs to work together to do what’s best and, if possible, work as closely as possible.

Here are a few quick tips that may help:
Concentrate on everyone’s strengths. If your sister is task oriented, let her work through a list of what needs to get done. If you’re better on the phone, you make the phone calls.

Tackle the tough things first. Don’t procrastinate when it comes to the difficult decisions. Try to come to a consensus and try to see everything from all angles.

Handle financial issues. Assess funds and insurance coverage.

Work together. It may not always be easy or fun, but keep in mind that you all have a common goal - what’s best for Mom or Dad - and not simply what’s best for you or your siblings.

Find local resources. Learn about the services that are available in the community.

Make a plan. Many of us have created business plans and most all of us have goals. Treat this effort in the same way and it will help you to remain focused. Keep everyone aware of when decisions need to be made and when assistance is needed.

Check the Net! The Internet is packed full of great resources for caregiving. One site, which is local to the Raleigh area but also will connect you with many resources around the county, is Full Circle of Care and can be found at www.fullcirclecare.org. This site addresses most all types of Caregiving needs and can connect you with local organizations that will help you.

I hope that if and when your family needs to play their game of tag, the “Seeker” won’t need to yell “Ollie Ollie Oxen Free!” out of desperation, exhaustion and resentment because the “Sought” just couldn’t be found. But rather I hope that everyone will have his or her chance to be the “Seeker.”