How to Communicate and
Evaluate Without Criticism

The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti once noted that observing without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence. Marshall Rosenburg, Ph.D., author of Non-Violent Communication, A Language of Compassion (Chicago: Puddledancer Press, 1999), writes "The first component of Non-Violent Communication entails the separation of observation from evaluation. We need to observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our well being without mixing in evaluation."

According to Rosenburg, when we combine an observation with an evaluation our words can be heard as criticism. While traveling over the holidays I played a little game with myself. I wanted to see how many "evaluations" or judgments I made from the time I got off the plane till the time my sister met me outside the airport. This is about a 15-minute process including luggage pickup. During that time I easily counted 15, about one every minute. I wonder if that makes me an extremely judgmental person, average or below average? I was making a conscious effort to pay attention to my evaluations/judgments. I wonder how many I have when I'm not making such an effort.

The more we mix our observations with our evaluations of another person's behavior, the less likely that person is going to be open to us. They will most likely be less open to hearing our words, empathizing with our feelings or being receptive in any way to our intended message. As women in business it would be helpful if we were to separate our observations from our evaluations. Actually, I believe it would also be useful outside of business (I'm pretty sure it would be a beneficial practice for men as well, but I digress). Women are often accused of being overly emotional. Perhaps this is a way to communicate that will help to change that perspective.

If you wish to communicate by separating observation from evaluation, being aware of the following tips can be helpful:

1. Be aware of when you generalize, using words like always, never, ever, whenever, etc.
2. Don't mix what you see with your opinion.
3. Be aware of labels, especially negative labels: lazy, stupid, brainy, egotistical, etc.

Even when we label someone by their socially accepted title we could be evaluating. For example, calling someone a "cook" can be considered an evaluation, according to Rosenburg. The following stanza from a poem by Ruth Bebermeyer explains it this way:

"I've looked as hard as I can look
but never ever seen a cook;
I saw a person who combined
ingredients on which we dined,
A person who turned on the heat
and watched the stove that cooked the meat -
I saw those things but not a cook. Tell me, when you're looking,
Is it a cook you see or is it someone doing things that we call cooking?"

The goal is not to ever have an evaluation. The goal is to separate your evaluation from your observation.

Example of observation and evaluation mixed together: "You are late."

Example of observation separate from evaluation: "I see that you were not here at 9:00 am." (Observation only)

Example of observation and evaluation mixed together: "She won't get her work in."

Example of observation separate from evaluation: "She has a great amount of work and less than two days to complete it. (Observation) I don't know if she will get her work in." (Evaluation)

Example of observation and evaluation mixed together by generalizing: "You seldom do what I want."

Example of observation only: "The last three times I initiated an activity, you said you didn't want to do it."

Example of observation and evaluation mixed together by generalizing: "He frequently stops in my office."

Example of observation only: "He stops in my office at least three times a week."

Keep your observations specific to time and context. If you choose to utilize this language skill, you will increase the chances of your message getting through to the listener in the way in which you intended, and not as criticism.

Try this: For the next 30 days, speak from observation without mixing in evaluation. Play the same game with yourself as I did in the airport. Be aware of when you express only an evaluation, or express an observation mixed with an evaluation. Practice articulating observations separate from evaluations.

Let me know how it goes. I am interested in your results.