Dance
of Anger
I have
spent the last 14 years of my life devoted to the study
of human behavioral styles. My studies have focused primarily
on the use of a four-quadrant model commonly known
as DiSC™. DiSC™ is an acronym for the Dominant,
Influencing, Steady or Supportive, and Conscientious behavioral
styles. Because of my knowledge of DiSC™,
I have been able to save several relationships, as well
as improve upon every relationship in my world (both business
and personal). That is how powerful this information is
when you know how to apply it to your life.
We
each have what is considered a natural behavioral style.
That is the one that is most comfortable for us.
We have control over it and we can, when we choose to,
adjust it or adapt it to a different style when necessary.
However, when under pressure, or in fear, we tend to go
to the place that is most comfortable for us, our natural
style. Let’s face
it, the higher the fear or tension, the less likely we
are to think and behave rationally. We act or react more
out of instinct, naturally.
In
our natural behavioral styles we all have major fears,
just like we have outstanding needs. Let's focus on the
major fears. Specifically, let's talk about the “Dance
of Anger.”
As
you read through the following descriptions, see if you
can identify your “hot buttons.” What
causes you to move into the “dance” with your
partner, someone you work with, your best friend, or your
children? Seek to recognize your fear, and your reaction.
Then look to identify their fear and their reactions.
Is it possible that what
is happening is you are pushing on each other’s
fears, which then increases the tension tolerance
level (TTL), which creates the reaction that pushes
on the fears … and we are off; start the music,
the dance has begun!
Each
major fear can cause the following reactions:
Dominant
Style
Major Fear: Being taken advantage of
and/or losing control.
Under Pressure: Primary:
Become demanding (thump the table, point the finger,
etc.). Secondary: Tyrant (Belittle
you with facts—“cut to the quick”)
Influencing
Style
Major Fear: Social Rejection and/or
being ignored.
Under Pressure: Primary:
Over talk (turn up the volume & speed). Secondary:
Throw a tantrum (emotionally explode).
Steadiness
or Supportive Style
Major Fear: Personal Rejection and/or
sudden change.
Under Pressure: Primary:
Appear to comply or go along. Secondary:
Withdraw emotionally upset (sulk). Tertiary:
Attack—maybe physically.
Conscientious
Style
Major Fear: Criticism of what they do
and/or making mistakes.
Under Pressure: Primary:
Go silent—with coldness. Secondary:
Withdraw with dignity. Tertiary:
Attack—with facts.
Begin
to recognize when you or someone you are with is exhibiting
primary signs, and then back off. Reduce
the tension before you or they move into secondary, or
for the S & C styles, the tertiary signs.
Use this information as a guidepost and you will be amazed
how the “dance of anger” can shift into a
most “harmonious waltz.”
Mary Elizabeth Murphy
is Managing Director of S.T.A.R. Resources, a performance management consulting
and education firm that specializes in creating environments in which
people want to work. She is an expert at helping individuals and organizations
to earn more, produce more and achieve more.
