Honor Grandmothers on Mother’s Day
Special Excerpt from The Truth about Parenting:
Navigating the Elementary Years*

Countless times each day a mother does what no one else can do quite as well. She wipes away a tear, whispers a word of hope, eases a child’s fears. She teaches, ministers, loves, and nurtures the next generation of citizens. And she challenges and cajoles her kids to do their best and be the best.        — James C. Dobson

I can’t remember the first time I noticed my mom and mother-in-law morphing into their alter egos, Granny and Oma. Today, we easily recognize the Granny and Oma who blow everyone aside in their rush to hug their grandsons.

My mom, now known as Granny, is at her best at the beach. Her steps are short ones and match the pace of the boys’ steps. On walks on the beach, she never hurries them along, ensuring they take in every crab hole and dolphin jump. Every moment with Granny is an adventure. All of the rules I had to follow growing up, such as no cake for breakfast, have been thrown out the window as my boys have learned they can count on Granny to say yes to anything fun.

Over one spring break, Granny visited the Caymans with us and was quite the sight in her funny little hats and two-piece bathing suits. Nothing got in the way of her pursuit of fun that included feeding stingrays and going on an iguana hunt.

Granny’s only rules seem to be those of the poem “Warning: When I am an Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple” by Jenny Joseph. She’s a member of the Women’s Club and covers up her burps in public with a giggle. She tires easier on her walks with her dog—a tiny scrap of fur that’s so ugly she’s cute. Most of the shop owners in downtown New Bern don’t allow dogs—except Granny’s, who charms everyone into letting them rest a bit in their store.

My mother-in-law, now known as Oma, is an amazing contrast to the eccentricity of my mom. Oma looks like a grandmother. She doesn’t hide her gray hair that’s always worn up in a bun and quit worrying on wrinkles and fashion long before she became a grandmother.

Oma gives advice freely when I ask. She also gives me advice when I don’t ask—especially if she thinks I’ve goofed up being a mom to her grandchildren. She’s a regular snowbird stopping off for a visit on her way to Florida in the winter and on her way back to Pennsylvania in the summer. Her car is always loaded with goodies for the boys.

Around the second day of Oma’s visit, she slows to notice that my husband and I are around and gives us a hug. The boys cherish their time with Oma. She will spend hours sitting on the floor playing games with them. I don’t know how she can get up after one of their marathon sessions or how she can be enthusiastic about playing Star Wars Monopoly after losing to my youngest several times in a row.

When it comes to any task, from making cookies to writing a paper, Oma has the patience to wait all day for my boys to do it the right way. She is the master teacher of craft projects taking the time to help them learn new skills including crochet, needlepoint, and rock polishing.

Granny and Oma share a common bond of love for our children. We’re blessed to have them, but it’s not always easy ensuring the kids get time with their grandparents. Some of the little things we’ve learned along the way include:

Allow for an adjustment period. It’s hard for a parent to adjust to being a grandparent. Bert and I agreed ahead of time on how to raise our children and some of our ideas were very different from how we’d been raised. Conflict occurred when our ideas differed from those of the grandparents. It helped to share with our parents ahead of time what approaches we were taking and how we hoped it would help our children.

The majority of conflicts in our parenting approaches seem to center on hair length. Bert and I feel that as long as the hair is neat and clean, the length is not an issue worth battling over. The grandparents think hair on a boy should be short.

Ask grandparents to help. Often, grandparents don’t know when or how to help. It may be something small, such as showing a child how to draw a bird, or something big, such as caring for a child while you are away. When you ask for help, be very clear on what you need and your parents won’t feel like they are in the way or interfering.

Don’t expect grandparents to be perfect. We all have our good days and bad days. As grandparents continue to age, their ability to be patient and tolerate some of the children’s activities with accompanying noise may be less.

Honor grandparents as often as you can. This includes being respectful and appreciative of the time they spend with the children. Be sure to give a few days notice if you need the grandparents to baby-sit.

Make every effort to resolve conflict peacefully. Your children are always watching how you treat your parents. They are learning how to respect and honor you when it’s your turn to be the grandparent.

*Weidle, Liza. The Truth About Parenting: Navigating the Early Years. New Bern, NC: McBryde Publishing, 2006.