Across
the
Divide
“You
don’t
understand!”
your
teen
exclaims,
and
walks
away,
slamming
the
door
in
her
wake.
As
her
parent,
you’re
left
standing,
mouth
agape,
blood
pressure
elevated,
wondering
what
happened.
Take
a
breath.
You’re
not
alone.
Nor,
in
all
likelihood,
are
you
doing
a
whole
lot
wrong.
Mark
Twain
purportedly
said
“when
I
was
a
boy
of
14,
my
father
was
so
ignorant
I
could
hardly
stand
to
have
the
old
man
around.
But
when
I
got
to
be
21,
I
was
astonished
at
how
much
the
old
man
had
learnt
in
7
years.”
Twain
wasn’t
a
psychologist,
but
he
cleverly
summarized
an
important
dynamic
between
parents
and
adolescents.
There’s
a
host
of
reasons
for
the
natural
tension
between
parents
and
teens.
First,
there’s
the
basic
generational
divide.
No
matter
your
self-perception
as
their
parents,
adolescents
view
adults
as
middle-aged,
and
therefore
old.
(I
distinctly
remember
attending
my
Mom’s
40th
birthday
party,
haughtily
sizing
up
the
guests
only
to
conclude,
“my
God,
these
people
are
old
and
hopelessly
weird.”
I
was
16.)
Second,
from
a
psychological
perspective,
adolescents
are
trying
to
simultaneously
separate
from,
but
remain
close
to,
their
parents,
all
the
while
wanting
and
needing
parental
approval.
No
small
task.
Developmental
research
has
repudiated
the
long-held
notion
that
all
teens
morph
into
huge
management
problems.
To
be
fair,
it
must
be
stated
that
today’s
teens
are
generally
doing
well.
They
smoke
less,
do
fewer
drugs,
and
delay
sex
until
they’re
older
compared
with
teens
twenty
years
ago.
Their
SATs
are
considerably
higher
than
their
1980s
counterparts.
More
are
going
to
college
than
ever,
having
completed
a
respectable
amount
of
community
service
on
their
way.
So
what’s
the
problem?
The
problem
is,
though
encouraging,
this
research
doesn’t
reflect
the
reality
of
daily
life
with
an
adolescent.
Adolescents
are
wonderfully
stimulating.
They
display
enormous
energy
and
enthusiasm
for
pursuits
that
interest
them.
While
remarkably
loyal
to
their
friends
and
causes
of
their
choosing,
they’re
also
moody,
tempestuous,
argumentative
and
critical.
If
that
sounds
like
your
teen,
congratulations—your
son
or
daughter
is
displaying
developmentally-appropriate
characteristics.
Just
as
adolescents’
bodies
are
developing,
so
too
are
their
brains.
They’re
increasingly
able
to
think
in
the
hypothetical
and
in
a
much
more
complicated,
abstract
manner
than
in
their
younger
years.
(Anyone
who’s
spent
any
time
around
adolescents
is
familiar
with
their
readiness
for
an
argument.
Instead
of
interpreting
that
characteristic
as
a
wish
to
annoy
you,
consider
it
your
teen’s
desire
to
flex
her
new
brain
power.
If
that
doesn’t
work,
suggest
Debate
Club
and
walk
away.)
Although
their
ability
for
complex
thought
expands,
they
lack
sufficient
life
experience
to
consistently
make
wise
decisions.
How
many
times
has
a
parent
lamented
“what
were
you
thinking?”
This
gap
between
an
adolescent’s
capacity
to
make
decisions
and
the
breadth
of
experience
required
to
make
smart
ones,
is
a
source
of
aggravation
for
adolescents
and
parents
alike.
Don’t
give
up
on
them.
Instead,
equip
them
with
the
tools
to
make
smart
decisions,
but
understand
they’re
bound
to
make
mistakes.
After
all,
can
you
honestly
say
you
didn’t
do
something
stupid
in
your
adolescence?
Be
a
source
of
support,
but
not
their
friend.
Teens
need
parents
they
can
rely
on
to
make
tough,
not
popular,
decisions.
Though
they
may
dislike
you
at
times,
ultimately
they’ll
respect
you
and
your
limits.
You
can
tolerate
the
temporary
dislike
in
exchange
for
the
long
term
reward
of
a
teen
who,
soon
enough,
stands
on
her
own.
Just
watch.
Dr.
Lisa
C.
Sacco
is
a
clinical
psychologist
and
owner
of
LifeScape
Psychology,
PLLC
located
in
historic
downtown
Apex.
Dr.
Sacco's
practice
serves
adolescents
and
adults
with
issues
of
anxiety,
depression
and
relationship
dissatisfaction
as
well
as
other
concerns.
She
can
be
reached
at
919.523.7607
or
at
