Audrey Mark

Blockbuster Summer She-quels

One of the coolest things to do during the dog days of summer is to chill out at the movies. Unfortunately, so far I’ve found that most of this year’s offerings are more lackluster than blockbuster.

There just haven’t been enough good chick flicks I can relate to. I’ve taken the liberty of doing a little rewriting and think that I may have some hit sequels for next summer.

Coming soon to a theater near you:

“MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4”: In this nail-breaking thriller, a desperate housewife is on a mission, which she has no choice but to accept. She must tidy up her entire home before her picky mother-in-law arrives in four hours. With enormous piles of laundry blocking every door, she must beat the clock and clean while dangling from a vacuum cord suspended from the hallway air vents.

Tension mounts as she decides to change the filters while she’s up there.

“OMG, IT’S LIKE, THE DA VINCI CODE”: A mom threatens to shake the very foundation of a secret society called “Teen Angst” by cracking their closely guarded code of acronyms and emoticons used for instant messaging in cyberspace. She comes to realize that deciphering the Mona Lisa’s smile is a lot easier than reading her daughter’s e-mail messages.

OMG, u r going 2 lol, it’s 2 kewl, k?

“CLICKER”: A far-fetched fantasy film about a TV remote control that miraculously returns itself to its rightful place on the arm of the arm of the couch. This clever clicker never gets dropped, lost between sofa cushions, or ends up in the refrigerator. Things get really crazy when the remote goes haywire and everyone starts agreeing on what to watch and how fast to flip through the channels.

Like I said, it’s a far-fetched fantasy.

“SUPERMOM RETURNS”: Our heroine, aka Mom of Steel, saves the world by returning all fashion faux pas hanging in the closets of Metropolis—past 30 days and without the receipts. She and her best gal-pal, Lois Lane, hit the malls for truth, justice and more shopping—isn’t that the American way?

“THE DEVIL WEARS ABERCROMBIE”: A normal and attractive woman finds out that she is actually just a frumpy, unfashionable mom as she tries to navigate her way through the ultraglamorous life of a preteen. She learns that, surprisingly, this highly coveted position of parenthood is not all it’s cracked up to be. At times her “boss” can be demeaning, demanding, and downright grouchy.

To survive in this cutthroat environment, she must master the seemingly impossible task of driving, shopping and talking with her daughter without being seen or heard.

“CARPOOL”: A new animation sensation about a hotshot rookie mom who speeds through errands, racing for that primo front spot in the carpool line. You’ll cheer her on in this slow-paced mama-drama as she sits, waits, and wonders why, if life is a journey, she is spending half of hers just waiting around in that dang minivan?

Co-starring Paul Newman and Owen Wilson—at least in her daydreams!

“THE FAST & THE FURIOUS; TOKYO DROPPED”: Hopped up on the exhilaration that comes from a night of not having to cook, tempered with some MSG from the Chinese take-out, a woman frantically chases after every last grain of rice that has fallen from her messy family’s dining table and is now covering her floor.

“THE LAKE HOUSE GUESTS”: A time-twisted tale of a woman who is still cleaning up after her houseguests, and waiting for their thank-you note to arrive, after their visit two years ago.

“NACHO LAUNDRY”: Cheese and salsa stains prove to be no match for the mother of a Mexican wrestler who thanklessly scrubs her fingers to the bone to keep her son’s snappy hooded wrestling costume clean and Downy fresh.

Even Mrs. Siskel and Mrs. Ebert would give these films two thumbs up!