You’re
Wearing
That?
A
review
by
Chrystal
Bartlett
I
hear
voices.
Well,
to
be
absolutely
accurate,
I
hear
one
voice
in
particular….
my
Mom’s.
The
fact
that
she
passed
away
some
nine
years
back
is
irrelevant.
I
could
hear
her
perfectly
well
when
she
was
alive
–
even
at
times
we
were
“not
speaking.”
I’m
so
glad
Deborah
Tannen
wrote
You’re
Wearing
That?
Understanding
Mothers
and
Daughters
in
Conversation*
because
now
I
know
I’m
not
the
only
one.
As
Tannen
states,
“our
relationships
with
our
mothers
go
on
way
beyond
their
lifetimes,
no
matter
what
age
we
are
when
we
lose
them.”
Centered
on
the
tension
between
independence
and
intimacy
that
exist
in
every
relationship,
Tannen’s
text
illuminates
the
frustrating,
rewarding,
joyful,
and
often
painful
bond
between
mothers
and
daughters.
She
also
explains
how
these
dynamic
relationships
change
over
time
and
provides
ways
to
make
them
more
satisfying
in
the
present.
If
you
think
your
mother
or
daughter
relationship
could
stand
some
improvement,
this
book’s
for
you.
Best
known
for
You
Just
Don’t
Understand**,
her
gender
communication
book
that
spent
10
weeks
on
the
New
York
Times
Best
Seller
List,
Tannen
is
both
prolific
author
and
personal
explorer.
She
wrote
this
title
soon
after
her
own
mother’s
death
so
that
she
could
better
understand
their
relationship.
What
she
learned
can
help
many
other
mothers
and
daughters.
If
your
mother
ever
commented
on
your
hair,
clothing,
or
weight
(or
should
you
find
yourself
doing
this
with
your
own
daughter)
consider
what
is
often
overlooked.
Words
may
be
the
message,
but
the
“meta”
message
is
where
we
humans
detect
meaning.
Even
well-meant
suggestions
or
advice
also
send
a
meta
message
of
criticism.
Where
mothers
may
be
genuinely
concerned
about
their
daughter’s
well
being,
daughters
often
receive
the
message
“I
can’t
do
anything
right.”
But
is
concern
the
mother’s
only
priority?
Society
judges
mothers
unrelentingly
on
their
children’s
appearance
and
behavior.
Because
there
are
no
perfect
mothers
or
children,
this
is
obviously
a
recipe
for
failure.
Knowing
doesn’t
change
the
scenario,
but
may
make
both
parties
feel
better
when
they
are
less
than
perfect.
Tannen
also
explores
the
changing
power
dynamic
between
mothers
and
daughters.
That
infant
morphs
from
helplessness
to
teenaged
defiance
and
then
takes
the
early
steps
of
young
adulthood;
many
return
to
reliance
at
the
birth
of
the
first
child.
Tannen
describes
how
daughters
keenly
feel
(and
often
fear)
their
mother’s
power
while
remaining
vastly
ignorant
of
their
own,
increasing
power.
Tannen
also
explores
the
dark,
yet
totally
human,
side
of
mother-daughter
relationships.
Because
mothers
usually
manage
the
family’s
internal
and
external
communication,
they
are
often
the
messengers
of
bad
news.
Most
children
quarrel
more
with
mothers
than
fathers.
But
because
mothers
and
daughters
speak
more
and
more
frequently
than
any
other
family
dyad
(surpassing
son
to
mother,
daughter
to
father,
or
son
to
father),
still
more
opportunities
for
strife
arise.
Little
wonder
so
many
women
and
their
daughters
cite
their
relationships
as
the
most
joyful
and
also
the
most
painful
of
their
lives.
How
then
to
navigate
the
torturous
shoals?
Tannen
cites
many
remedies.
Mothers
may
suppress
their
natural
instincts
to
offer
well-meaning
but
confidence-destroying
advice
and
criticism.
Daughters,
who
often
come
to
their
mothers
in
times
of
trouble,
should
try
to
share
more
of
their
triumphs.
Daughters
are
also
encouraged
to
show
their
mothers
more
approval
while
taking
care
to
include
them
in
their
lives
in
ways
that
do
not
hamper
their
own
independence.
The
critical
teenaged
daughter
who
left
for
college
may
never
be
aware
that—decades
later—her
mother
still
yearns
for
her
approval.
Ultimately,
there
is
no
perfect
mother-daughter
relationship.
But
there
can
be
more
satisfying
or
less
damaging
relationships.
There
can
even
be
more
understanding.
Chockfull
of
loving
anecdotes
and
respectful
case
studies
that
both
illuminate
and
illustrate,
You’re
Wearing
That?
is
well
worth
the
time
spent
reading.
Your
mother
(or
daughter)
will
thank
you
for
it.
*Tannen,
Deborah.
You're
Wearing
That?:
Understanding
Mothers
and
Daughters
in
Conversation.
New
York:
Ballantine
Books,
2004.
**Tannen,
Deborah.
You
Just
Don't
Understand:
Women
and
Men
in
Conversation.
New
York:
HarperCollins,
2001.
Chrystal
Bartlett
currently
works
as
Stormwater
Awareness
&
Outreach
Coordinator
for
the
N.C.
Department
of
Environment
and
Natural
Resources
where
she
recently
launched
a
new
stormwater
Web
site,
www.ncstormwater.org.
She
is
also
a
freelance
voiceover
talent
and
image
management
consult.
Before
working
at
DENR,
she
worked
as
a
DJ,
news
reporter
and
at
several
ad
agencies.
Chrystal
graduated
from
N.C.
State
University
with
a
B.A.
in
Communication
and
an
M.A.
in
Public
Relations.
