Single Mothers Raising Sons
A new ‘blog’ started to share resources

In the ten years of running The Men’s Inquiry group, I have received many calls from around the country from single mothers about the challenges of raising their sons. I did my best to give some advice and many came back and let me know how useful it was. They would say things like, “you work with men: I need help with my son; I know how to work with my daughter; I know how to fight with my daughter but everything I try with my son just blows up in my face.” or “I have finally decided I cannot be his Mom and his Dad, but where do I find men to play a healthy male role model for him?” In finishing my own book Finding Our Fire: Enhancing Men's Connection to Heart, Passion and Strength, about my ten years leading The Men’s Inquiry, I realized another book needs to be written, but I do not feel that I am the right person to write it.

That book is about women sharing their stories on what works and what does not work in raising sons. I think this would make a great book, but so far I haven’t found any books on the subject, and haven’t found any woman ready to write one. And since I feel this is a very important issue, I have created a blog about it, http://mothersandsons.blogspot.com/. I want to do something to help and maybe this is a way to start helping, as well as possibly finding the right women to produce the book. The book does not need to be another “expert” telling women what to do, but the real words of women who have lived or are living the experience. This approach to me has a bigger impact and is more empowering than “expert advice.” If anyone you know is a single mother raising sons and who would be willing to help other single mothers raising sons, please e-mail us your stories of what works and what does not work. Whether your kids are young or fully grown, we want to hear your voices!

From the responses I have received about this topic so far, I would like to share some simple points that have been useful.

1) Young boys and teenage boys seem to yearn for—and need—“father energy” and can get it in many ways. For them, it is not as important who their biological father is as it is that they have enough good father energy in their life. I have even heard from married women whose husbands are frequently absent about how when a male electrician or plumber came to the house, their son would look to this man as a father figure. Their sons would follow him around, observing “how he was being” then try to mimic the behaviors later—a reaction their sons did not have with women who came to the house. Finding ways your son can interact with mature men or other fathers in your community is useful. One single mother has asked the wives of other couples with sons if, occasionally, when their husbands do something with their boys whether they could include her son in the activity. Others have sought for their sons to find father energy in the Scouts, sports, Outward Bound, camp, uncles and good male friends.

2) Make sure you don’t “demonize the father” through your son. If you think (or know) his father is a less-than-model parent, don’t impose that attitude on your son, or look for him to agree and side with you. I loved the way one mother told her 9-year-old son, “your father and I don’t get along too well now (which was obvious) but I am committed to you now and it is ok to love him—for he is your father.” (An exception to all of this is if the father is abusing drugs or alcohol; then he is providing little value to his son.)

3) Don’t try to make your son into the “little man of the house” to the degree that you are getting all your emotional needs met through him. (The question here is: do you have healthy relationships with women in your life where you can get emotional needs met?) Expecting or pushing a current boyfriend to play the role of your son’s father is not a good idea, either. If the relationship builds and lasts, this needs to happen naturally and mutually.

Over the years of being involved with men’s personal development work I have become increasingly aware of the value of taking some time with any young man in my acquaintance. I try to see if there is something I can acknowledge him for and see the “gold” in the boy. I believe, and most men in “men’s work” believe, that we have a responsibility to the young men in our community—for there is such a deficiency of father energy today. The saddest sight is meeting a man who has no “heart tie” to his kids. In those cases you know there is a wound so deep in his soul that you don’t know if he will ever see it, or how he could heal it if he wanted to. “Men’s work” will sometimes open his heart up—without that he could miss out on some of the greatest gold in life.

I am not holding myself out as an expert, but I remain open to the search of what really works for single mothers raising sons and how we can support them. I personally believe that a healthy child does best with sufficient mother and father energy, as well as a healthy community that supports the maturing of that child.

Please go to the blog and give us something to post, from one line to several pages. This is a public service of The Women’s Inquiry and we appreciate your help. This is not affiliated with any other group or any particular faith; it is just a public service.

E-mail us directly with ‘what works and what does not work: women@toinquire.com

Martin Brossman, List manager
Founder/Organizer of The Men’s & Women’s Inquiry
Men’s: www.themensinquiry.com
Women’s Inquiry: www.thewomensinquiry.com
Source on the upcoming book: Finding Our Fire http://www.toinquire.com/findingourfire.htm